My broken heart

Two years. Its been two long years. The day I have flashbacks to just about every single day, happened two years ago from today.

I remember James and I had just walked across the parking lot from the hospital to the Ronald McDonald House to try and get some rest. We were asleep for maybe one hour, when we woke up to my phone ringing at 1:15am. On the other end was Dr. McFayee, the PICU doctor. He was calling to tell us that Carter didn’t have much time left and we needed to get right back over to him.

I walked back into Carter’s room. I looked at my sweet boy and just lost it. Dr. McFayee said “Brittany, come and sit down. Hold him. He needs to know you are here for him.”

For 6 hours I rocked my baby boy with my husband nestled right in next to us. I ran my hand through his gorgeous blonde hair, kissing him, holding his hand and telling a million times how much I loved him.

His levels would drop, then flat line, and I would cry out “Nooo, he’s gone!! My baby boy!!” And cry even harder.

Then they would bounce back up and we would start all over again.

Finally after so long of seeing my baby boy struggle but holding on and not giving up…I could feel a peace come over me.

I got down next to my beautiful 9 month old son and whispered in his ear “Its okay baby, we will always love you so much. Mommy and Daddy have each other and we will take good care of Alayna…you go get your healing with Jesus…”

And with that, Carter James Lackey took his last breath in my arms and his first  breath in Heaven. 

Two years later and the pain is still so real. It hurts and I have to re-tell myself each day that I can get through this day. That Carter is in Heaven and I will wrap my arms around him again.

I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I can see Alayna is really struggling missing her little brother.

I never knew how much she took in, how many memories she was capable of holding on to when she was only 2 years old. But my precious little girl, remembers just about it all.

She will say at least once a day “Mommy, I really miss Carter.” Sometimes that’s all she will say, other times we talk about memories she has. Other times she is making up stories as if Carter was sitting with us and they are playing. Often, I have to tell her why Carter can’t come back to be with us.

I’m so thankful she has all those memories. I love that she remembers him and that she remembers the good things… But it rips my heart apart to see her grieve the loss of her brother.

I’ve had talks with a really good friend many times about Heaven. “Do you really think Heaven is real? What if it’s not…and your just gone for ever?”

Every time we have this talk, I shiver and feel myself start freaking out at the thought of no Heaven.

Then I truly think about it…I think about all the things just right here on Earth. The gorgeous sunsets that are painted differently each night, the way each individual person is made and not one of us is the same. The way every single person has their own brain, to think , choose and see what they want too. How seasons change, climates are different in certain areas, how the bodies of salt and fresh water never mix…so many amazing things right here that we can see with our own eyes. I just don’t believe its coincidence. I don’t believe it just happened without a powerful creator.

Through this journey we have been on with Carter, I’ve felt the Heavenly fathers presence like never before. I’ve felt him, I’ve heard him speak to me and he has given me a few visions. Yes, I absolutely believe He is real after all the trials we have been through. He has completely held my head above the water when I felt like I was going to sink.

If I didn’t believe Heaven was real, I can promise you I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed each morning and go on like I do. Yes I still struggle, I’m always and forever going to miss my Carter. But. I know I WILL see him again.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” John 14:1-3

Back to what makes my days harder…sometimes, my days are a wreak because I see another family with a child who has Mitochondrial Disease struggling. It brings back not so good memories for me, as well as, crushes my heart for that family. That another family is going through this huge heartache and just hoping that their child is going to pull through. All the hospital admissions, the sickness, the worry, the fear, the rollercoaster ride of never knowing what to expect next….and the lack of Hope.

Just yesterday, another local child passed away from a Mitochondrial Disease. Another family who is going to have to figure out how to continue on their lives without a big part of their family. My heart was crushed all day long. I shed so many tears for this family.

I was completely crushed that another family was going to have to go through all the pain and struggles of missing a son. A pain that James and I both know is so unbelievably strong. That yet, we still don’t have a cure or treatment for these diseases….so families still don’t have any hope and this is going to continue to happen! When is enough going to be enough?!

A few months ago, Pastor Scott was doing a series at church. One of the main questions that seemed to be brought up each week was “What breaks your heart?”

Whatever the answer to that question was, then it should be very obvious to others without even asking you. 

Why? Because your doing something about it. If something is breaking your heart, then you are doing everything you can to try to change it. To make it better, correct it, fix it, or help the situation.

I will always remember the moment when Pastor Scott asked this question and looked directly at us and said, “Brittany. James. I will never have to guess what breaks your heart.”

After I got past the tears that came just thinking about Mitochondrial Diseases and all the children and families it affects, I was so honored to know that all the work, time and energy that we put into Carter’s research fund…was actually noticeable.

My hope and prayer is that we can continue to have amazing outcomes with our events. We are so close to being able to fund our first research project, and that is what is needed! We need a cure to give these families hope, and without research to find a cure, then every day more families will be walking this road.

I’ve been there. I know what it feels like, so I know its much more easy for me to be so passionate about it. I know that you never, ever expect it to happen to you. So when/if it does…your going to want hope. Right now, all the hospital can do is feed you some darkness.

I say, Enough is Enough! My heart is broken and I can’t take the thought of any more children and families being broken too.

Our 2nd annual Carter Lackey Memorial Celebration is coming up. It will be held on August 6th at the Athens Wesleyan Church (outdoors) from 11-3.

I’m really excited about all the new things we have added to our event this year to make it even better. I’ll be posting details soon, but for now, please mark your calendars and keep that day free! Remember enough is enough, let’s not have any more broken hearts come from mitochondrial diseases 💚

Supporting the Fighters, Honoring the Taken, and never, ever giving up Hope! 💚

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
-Revelation 21:4